I’m a dad now, so my life has drastically changed in the last few months. Some for the better, some for the worse, but irreversibly changed, nonetheless. When you become a dad and you’re as motherfuckin observant as me, you notice things. You see things. And you know what I see? Dumb parents buying up useless expensive shit for their dumb babies, all to try and feel like they're being good parents.
Look, I grew up in a house where I literally thought we were going to be on welfare every day. My parents made it seem like we were a fucking pack of Upper Deck basketball cards away from being broke, and it wasn’t until only recently that I realized that they were pretty well off. I should mention they’re both doctors. I guess I should’ve known earlier, but they were (and still are) so goddamn cheap that any motherfucker would be fooled. This isn’t a show...this is their reality. These two will drive an hour out of their way to get gas that’s 1 cent cheaper per gallon. Bitch, can’t you do math? Driving uses gas! Whatever.
My Dad still talks about how he didn’t get his first pair of shoes until he was 21 years old. So it goes without saying that I am inherently pretty damn thrifty. That’s a nice way of saying I’m cheap as fuck. The only difference between me and my parents is that I put a value on my time. My mom will be talking shit for a straight month about waiting for a good sale to get a good deal on a motherfucking 10 dollar CD burner or some antiquated bullshit from Radio Shack, and I’ll be pushing “complete order” with 2 day shipping on Amazon Prime within seconds of thinking about it and while she’s still talking about it. That’s proof of evolution. Darwinism, ho.
“Fuck yo giraffe, ho!”
So back to my point. While my wife and I were preparing for this baby, we realized that this whole goddamn baby industry is bullshit. Shady companies prey off the weak and stupid and make crap products to make you feel like you’re filling the void in your baby’s life with love. Bitch that’s not love. That’s a $50 piece of shit silicon giraffe. Fuck your giraffe!
We started noticing strollers everywhere we went, and the average price of one of these stupid mini-people carriers was $500 or more, with some of them over a G. Fuck that. Any parent who thinks they’re giving their child something better by spending that much money is a fuktard who probably shouldn’t have procreated in the first place. Yea, I said it. One week into owning any stroller and it’s not going to matter how much you spent on it cuz it’s gonna be covered in spittle and shat stains anyways. I asked my parents what kind of stroller they had for me and my Mom said she found one on the side of the road. WTF, Mom. Then I asked her what kind of carseat they used for me and she said, “Carseat?” I’m so grateful to be alive right now.
So I went on to Craigslist and found some guy who didn’t know how to negotiate worth a dime and lowballed his ass like a muthafucker. Picked up a brand new stroller and car seat, new in the box, for a c-note. Now that's fuxable. Now I roll (3 wheel motion) to the farmers market with pride, looking around at other parents with their stupid bugaboos and stokkes and whatnot and I can see the look of stupidity on the parents faces. That look that says “We didn’t know what the fuck we were doing so we threw money at the problem.” Bitch, none of us know what the fuck we’re doing. Save your money. Your dumbass baby doesn't know a stroller from a hollowed ass pumpkin. Look at that thing. It’s trying to eat its own fuckin foot.
On the real, though. Y’all motherfuckers need to get right in yo heads. If you’re the type of person who thinks you need an expensive car to help build up your self-esteem and self-worth and image and spends more on that shit than your rent or mortgage, then you’re probably the same motherfucker who thinks a $1200 dollar stroller makes him look fly at the farmers market. Bitch, it doesn't look fly. You look like a wanker with a pretentious ass baby. Save your money and spend it on something that matters. Like better quality liquor. Trust me, you’ll need it.