You know me. I enjoy talking about any shit under the sun. Even things like cars, tech, and other materialistic things. But the reality is, it’s like window shopping for me. I’m thrifty as a motherfucker. Just talking about it more than satisfies any curiosity I have about those things because I learned at a young age to save my money, live within my means, and get a good fucking deal when it finally was time to buy something.
“Please be my friend”
This shit goes back to my youth. When I was young and wanted some dumb ass G.I.JOE SR71 Blackbird or Zap-it disappearing color water gun or whatever, my dad would always make me trade something in exchange for it. Sure, I could have that water gun if I took out the trash for 4 weeks straight. Or mow the lawn a few times. Or recited all the motherfucking states in the U.S. a thousand times. I learned that you don’t get shit until you earn it somehow, and it ingrained in me the value of a dollar and the cost of goods. As I got older, I equated the value of something directly with the cost of getting it. Yea that Voltron is dope but is it worth the price? Probably not. I ended up getting just the yellow Voltron which was pretty fucking lame considering it had nothing to join up with. It was just one leg of the robot. That’s one sad-ass lonely-ass Voltron. Bitch needs a friend.
By contrast, I had a friend (let’s refer to him as “Cinnabunz”), who’s dumbass parents gave him anything he ever asked for without anything in exchange. I think he was just such a bad kid that his parents discovered the only way to shut him up was to give in. He had 5 palm pilots in the 90's as a teenager. Who does that? What the fuck was he even databasing?? This kid would roll into our school with a new colorway of Jordans every month. By the time he was a senior in high school he had amassed more than 100 pairs of Jordans, Air Max’s, and other Nike’s in his collection. Most of them brand spanking new and unworn. I should mention he didn’t even play sports, and the closest he came to gametime was tending to the scoreboard during our basketball games while sipping a Big Gulp and eating a hot dog simultaneously. Motherfucker can multitask that way.
He was obsessed with Nike shoes to an incredibly unhealthy level. One time in high school we were all drinking in his basement and he left for awhile so I went up to his bedroom to check on his ass and he was in his bed naked fucking an Air Jordan. Feet pressed up against his headboard for leverage and his sweaty hairy fat body heaving as he molested that poor innocent piece of footwear. That microsuede never stood a chance and the shoe never looked the same again. It was just sad and droopy and seemed overcome by emotional trauma.
“Mom, buy me Jordans or I’ll fart on you”
Cinnabunz never learned to save a dollar and to this day, spends every single one he has on material goods. It’s a sickness. All this while being unemployed for years, still living at home with his mama, and having her pay for all his bullshit and he's almost 40. His parents should have never given in no matter how hard he cried, farted, or threatened to charge at them with his fat ass. I truly believe if they had taught that lesson to him, he would be a healthier and more well-adjusted person today, but instead he’s depressed and lost all the will to go out and earn something for himself. I still love him though. But love doesn't pay the bills.
I remember my dad’s words when I graduated college. “We’re so proud of you. You’re on your own now.” What the fuck? What did I do to your ass, dad?? That’s messed up. I realized it was his way of teaching me that I’m now responsible for myself, my income, my expenses, and my budget, and it was the most valuable lesson I ever learned. I learned about making decisions on what luxuries I wanted and could afford (like cable TV), and what things I had to forego (like underwear). I also learned how to squeeze the shit out of a penny, negotiate like a motherfucker, and find other ways to make money like selling things on Ebay. I would literally find things on Ebay and resell them on Ebay because I had so much knowledge about certain items that I knew I could buy them at a deal and still make a profit in the same damn place by marketing or listing them better.
Now I look around me and I’m surrounded by materialism. People overleveraging themselves like a crazy. I have another friend who has a dog that shits everywhere and he just bought a $4,000 white rug. Bitch, is you stupid? That shitty ass dog is gonna get shitty on that rug! Look, it’s one thing to buy something within your means, and that’s your prerogative, but it’s all relative. If you make $1 million a year and you want a $100K car, then go buy it. You aren't putting yourself in a dangerous situation. But if you make $100K and you buy a $100K car, then you're a dumb fuck. Can’t you do math bitch? You just spent your pre-motherfucking-taxed salary on a post-motherfucking-salary-taxed, depreciating-everyday-ass car. Then what? You’re feeling all good about yourself, your crippling insecurities and inadequacies melting away as you drive around town, and suddenly a guy in a $200K car pulls up next to you, his girlfriend hotter than the fat heifer sitting next to you. Now what? You feel like the donkey that you really are. So you say to this guy “Nice car. I was going to buy that one but it was a bit too flashy for me.” You pathetic lying sack of shit. Where does it end?
My feeling on this...be OK with yourself and who you are. If you’re too poor to buy something then have the balls to say so, even to your richer friends who can buy it. Big fucking deal. If they’re good friends they won’t give a shit and if they do, then they aren’t your friends. Save up and buy just what you need with the occasional splurge. Even then, get it for the best deal possible. You’ll feel 100x better about it if you do. I take pride when I get something from craigslist for half the price and my dumbass friend walks into the store and pays retail everytime. The one exception I have is that I’m much more liberal with anything related to life experiences and good quality food. I buy my clothes at Costco because I don’t give a shit about image and materialism, but I’ll gladly spend more to go to an amazing dinner with good friends or take a trip to a new country with my family. The difference is the high you get from an object is ephemeral. That means short-lived you non-English-language-knowing-ignorant-bitch. But the memories, knowledge, and roundedness you obtain from experiencing something cultural lasts a lifetime. You’ll look back at those memories and pictures forever and you’ll be a better person for it. It’s hard to put a price on that. Hard...but not impossible.