I barely use this Facebook shit but the other day I login to the bitch to see what fuckery is happening in the world and I see some jacked up things. Friends getting married, having babies, and eatin some shit up. Some other guy posted about having a cigar at the end of a long day. Uhm...OK homey. It’s called editing-dat-shyit-dat-you-think-is-fuckin-interesting. Some other ho talked about being shocked about the smell of his fart that morning. Byitch I don't need to know the disgusting details of your unhygenic-asshole expellerants and how you just crop dusted your own face. WTF. That shit is NOT fuxable. A guy I was friends with in college gained like 50 pounds and had a second child. I'm like WTF, should I be seeing this?? If he wanted me to know that, he'd send me a goddamn email or call me and say “Hey by the way I got fat as fuck and forgot to wear a condom. Twice.”
BLING BLING BYITCH!
Ya’ll know me. I enjoy talking about any shit under the sun. Even things like cars, tech, and other materialistic things. But the reality is, it’s like window shopping for me. I’m thrifty as a mother fucker. Just talking about it more than satisfies any curiosity I have about those things because I learned at a young mother fucking age to save my money, live within my means, and get a good fucking deal when it finally was time to buy something.
This shit goes back to my youth. When I was young and wanted some dumb ass G.I.JOE SR71 Blackbird or Zap-it disappearing color water gun or whatever, my dad would always make me trade something in exchange for it. Sure I could have that water gun if I took out the trash for 2 weeks straight. Or mow the lawn a few times. Or recited all the motherfucking states in the U.S. a thousand times.
YO BABY DUMB.
I’m a dad now, so my life has drastically changed in the last few months. Some for the better, some for the worse, but irreversibly changed, nonetheless. When you become a dad and you’re as motherfuckin observant as me, you notice things. You see things. And you know what I see? Dumb fuktard parents buying up useless expensive shit for their dumbass babies, all to try and feel like they're being good parents.
Look, I grew up in a house where I literally thought we were going to be on welfare every day. My parents made it seem like we were a fucking pack of Upper Deck basketball cards away from being broke, and it wasn’t until only recently that I realized that they were pretty well off. I should mention they’re both doctors. I guess I should’ve known earlier, but they were (and still are) so goddamn cheap that any motherfucker would be fooled.
NUTSACK TACOS!
Dis Doritos Locos Shit.
Yea I know what you’re thinking. This shit is good. Well you’re a dumb fuck and you’re wrong. Know how I know that? Cuz you don’t have shit else to do but read my dumb fucking blog so you’ve lost any goddamn credibility you might’ve had 5 seconds ago. Sit the fuck back and listen because your dumb ass is about to get schooled in the art of good fast cheap mexican foodology.
I grew up in a small town in the midwest. When Taco Bell opened in my town, it was like the second coming of Jesus. The only Mexican food we were familiar with was shitty ass chimichangas and cheese enchiladas at this methane factory called Chi Chi’s, which I’m pretty goddamn sure translates into “you better hope you get home before our beans work our way through through your colon cuz if not, you about to spray paint a new interior to your car with the beautiful red and brown shades of explosive diarrhea.”