Dis Doritos Locos Shit.
Yea I know what you’re thinking. This shit is good. Well you’re a dumb fuck and you’re wrong. Know how I know that? Cuz you don’t have anything else to do but read my dumb blog so you’ve lost any credibility you might’ve had 5 seconds ago. Sit the fuck back and listen because your ass is about to get schooled in the art of good fast cheap mexican foodology.
I grew up in a small town in the midwest. When Taco Bell opened in my town, it was like the second coming of Jesus. The only Mexican food we were familiar with was shitty ass chimichangas and cheese enchiladas at this methane factory called Chi Chi’s, which I’m pretty goddamn sure translates into “you better hope you get home before our beans work our way through through your colon cuz if not, you're about to spray paint a new interior to your car with the beautiful red and brown shades of explosive diarrhea.”
So this new Taco Bell opened, and from day one, my friends and I were hooked. We would hit it so hard it was like we were junkies and they had just the right fix for us. It got so bad we would lie to our parents and tell them we were eating dinner at a friends house, or that we just didn’t feel like having their shitty ass Gordon’s fish sticks that evening, all so we could sneak out and bash some fuckin meximelts in the darkness of the night.
“bash some fucking meximelts in the darkness of the night”
We became connoisseurs. It wasn’t enough to go to Taco Bell and order some straight up pedestrian bullshit off the menu. That’s for dumb rookies. We would roll in and these mother fuckers would spot us a mile away and call all hands on deck cuz we were about to throw down some serious cheddar. I’m talking at least $3 between the 5 of us. And back then, taco bell employees took pride in their work. My grub was made with love. I remember it vividly...
“I'll take a meximelt, light cheese extra pico de gallo. Mexican pizza, extra crispy, no beef, extra tomatoes, add sour cream. Gimme dat enchirito, extra olives. (you don't even know what an enchirito is so you’re googling that shit right now like a dumb fuck). I'll take a taco wit da Wild sauce. (I bet your ass has never even heard of Wild sauce. They discontinued that shit after 3 weeks cuz it was glowing neon red and was probably radioactive or some shit). Hit me wit a bean burrito, no red sauce, extra green sauce (yea, green sauce, it's like red sauce only greener and better). Let’s get a chilito too (AKA Da Cleaner, on account of it’s incredible ability to expel everything you’ve been saving in your funky-ass colon within 10 flat minutes with an underwearing-staining barrage of hershey-squirts). Lastly, hit me wit a cinnamon crisps.” Yea, I said a cinnamon crisps. Not a cinnamon twists. If you don’t know the difference then you’re a dumb, deprived son of a bitch. What I’m saying is to order your shit with such motherfuckin specificity is something that only comes after millions of encounters. Like I said...we were pros.
Then we would grab a box of Franzia at the local liquor barn drive-through, head to a friends house, and eat that shit like we’ve never been fed before, like some wild, untamed, semi-carnivorous beasts...refried beans and hot sauce flying in every which direction. We would literally do this 3 times a day. Fast forward 20 years.
These dumb fucks come out with something called a Doritos Locos Taco. I knew that shit was stupid the second I heard it. You know why it’s stupid? Cuz Doritos are fucking nasty. Yea I said it. Disagree? Then get the fuck out of my virtual space and write your own goddamn blog. The last thing I want when I’m feenin’ (yea I said feenin’, it's a Jodeci reference and if you don’t get that then email me so I can officially block you from this blog and my life) is a taco that’s flavored like some bullshit, processed cheese and GMO-infused chemical warfare in dis motherfucker, nacho chips. Don't get me wrong. I know Taco Bell aynt good for you. But this is setting a precedent that's just stupid. What’s next? Count chocula crunchy chunky chocolate tacos? Laffy Taffy and Fun Dip Funky Bunch Burritos? Dr. Pepper Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Sweet-N-Spicy Mexican pizzas? Hold up that last one sounds sort of fuxable so don't say shit about it until I find myself a patent lawyer.
“fuck yo dad’s shitty M3!”
On the real. Ya’ll stupid. I got one of these dumb fuckin tacos on accident a couple weeks ago and bit into it and thought I bit into my friends salty, funky nutsack. It was so fucking gross I threw it out his window, streaking nasty Fire sauce down the side of his dad’s shitty 1993 green M3. He was pissed the next day but when he went off on me I told him to shut the fuck up or find a new friend, which I knew he couldn’t do cuz he’s totally socially dysfunctional and altogether just really unlikeable.
On top of that, these morons cant even make a simple quality bean burrito like they used to. Bitch, it's 2 ingredients that you squirt from a gun into a warm ass tortilla! And why does each of my 4 slices of my Mexican pizza look different? Did I ask you bitches to only put sauce on one, cheese on another, green onions on another, etcetera, motherfucker? It’s called equilateral symmetrical toppings spreading, ho. Learn it.
Basically what I’m saying is don’t be fooled by shitty egghead marketing motherfuckers that work at companies like this, whose sole goal is to trick consumers like you into buying their shit. Stand for something and have the balls to tell them that their quality has gone downhill and their dumb fuck ideas suck and that you refuse to go back to their stupid ass restaurant until they bring back cinnamon crisps.