I barely use this Facebook shit but the other day I login to the bitch to see what fuckery is happening in the world and I see some jacked up things. Friends getting married, having babies, and eatin some shit up. Some other guy posted about having a cigar at the end of a long day. Uhm...OK homey. It’s called editing-dat-shyit-dat-you-think-is-fuckin-interesting. Some other ho talked about being shocked about the smell of his fart that morning. Byitch I don't need to know the disgusting details of your unhygenic-asshole expellerants and how you just crop dusted your own face. WTF. That shit is NOT fuxable. A guy I was friends with in college gained like 50 pounds and had a second child. I'm like WTF, should I be seeing this?? If he wanted me to know that, he'd send me a goddamn email or call me and say “Hey by the way I got fat as fuck and forgot to wear a condom. Twice.”
NUTSACK TACOS!
Dis Doritos Locos Shit.
Yea I know what you’re thinking. This shit is good. Well you’re a dumb fuck and you’re wrong. Know how I know that? Cuz you don’t have shit else to do but read my dumb fucking blog so you’ve lost any goddamn credibility you might’ve had 5 seconds ago. Sit the fuck back and listen because your dumb ass is about to get schooled in the art of good fast cheap mexican foodology.
I grew up in a small town in the midwest. When Taco Bell opened in my town, it was like the second coming of Jesus. The only Mexican food we were familiar with was shitty ass chimichangas and cheese enchiladas at this methane factory called Chi Chi’s, which I’m pretty goddamn sure translates into “you better hope you get home before our beans work our way through through your colon cuz if not, you about to spray paint a new interior to your car with the beautiful red and brown shades of explosive diarrhea.”
FARMERS MARKET, HO!
Since living in LA for the last 10 years, I’ve realized two things:
1. There’s a fuckload of Priuses out here.
2. You can't walk 5 feet in LA without hitting a goddamn farmers market.
So the other day I'm cruisin through a weekend market when I see a vendor for stone fruits. There’s samples lined up for miles and kids are sticking their filthy grubby hands into the bins, spreading their hand, hoof, mouth disease or whatever all over the place. And I look up and I’m like WTS (dass short for what da shit, ho) are all these fruits, bitch?! There were varieties like a motherfucker there, and most of them with crossbred-ass fruity names like mango-habanero-pluots, bubble-yum-gum plums and watermelon-purple-nurple peaches and shit. Bitch if I’m eating something called a watermelon anything, there better be a slip-n-slide within 10 feet of that motherfucker.