Since living in LA for the last 10 years, I’ve realized two things:
1. There’s a fuckload of Priuses out here.
2. You can't walk 5 feet in LA without hitting a goddamn farmers market.
So the other day I'm cruisin through a weekend market when I see a vendor for stone fruits. There’s samples lined up for miles and kids are sticking their filthy grubby hands into the bins, spreading their hand, hoof, mouth disease or whatever all over the place. And I look up and I’m like WTS (that's short for what da shit, ho) are all these fruits?! There were varieties like a motherfucker there, and most of them with crossbred-ass fruity names like mango-habanero-pluots, bubble-yum-gum plums and watermelon-purple-nurple peaches. Bitch if I’m eating something called a watermelon anything, there better be a slip-n-slide within 10 feet of that motherfucker.
When I was young we had two types of stone fruit. Plums and motherfuckin peaches. One’s smooth and purple and shit and the other is fuzzy like deez nutz and mo’ yellow. That’s it. So I’m thinking, hold up, in the last ten years or so, some botanist nerd bitches have been in their geeklabs crossbreeding peaches with mangos to create some kind of exotic ass hybrid type fruit?? Sign me the fuck up.
So I roll up, push a lil’ kid to the side when his mama wasn't looking and dip my toothpick into that bitch....and you know what I tasted? NOT MANGO. WTS. This some straight up bait-and-switch bullshit! Then I see something called a donut peach. Hold up. You telling me that somehow, somewhere, we’ve created a fruit that’s half donut?? I pull out a buck and buy that bitch. Didn’t even wash it cuz that’s how I roll. I put it to my lips and took a bite.
Now when you advertise something called a donut peach and I take a bite, I’m expecting the delicious motherfuckin flavors of sweet sugar glaze and Smuckers jelly to explode onto my lips upon impact. I did not get that. I’m not gonna lie, it was actually delicious, but the name had my head messed up from the start so my expectations were all messed up. I threw the rest of that peach on the ground and walked away, just to prove a point.
“Fuck yo peach, homey!”
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that stone fruits are fucking delicious, fuxable even, but the stupid ass misleading names are dumb so stop it already.