I barely use this Facebook shit but the other day I login to see what fuckery is happening in the world and I see some jacked up things. Friends getting married, having babies, and eatin some shit up. Some other guy posted photos of himself having a cigar at the end of a long day. OK homey, it’s called editing-dat-shyit-dat-you-think-is-fuckin-interesting-to-us. Some other ho talked about being shocked about the smell of his fart that morning. Bitch I don't need to know the disgusting details of your unhygenic-asshole expellerants and how you just crop dusted yourself. A guy I was friends with in college gained like 50 pounds and had a second child. I'm like WTF, should I be seeing all this?? If he wanted me to know that, he'd send me a goddamn email or call me and say “Hey by the way I got fat as fuck and forgot to wear a condom. Twice.”
But here I am creeping and peering into the window of his life like some pervy-ass Amazon Fresh delivery guy. The whole thing just seems messed up. This is how we communicate with each other now. Emails, texts, instagrams, chats, apps, stupid-useless-ass-blogs-like-this-one-that-prove-you-have-nothin-better-to-do. Impersonal mass-published social media posts. Whatever happened to real one-on-one connection? Next time you take your broke ass to the mall or whatever equates to a Friday-night-out for you, take a good look around you. Take a look at the youth of our country. You’ll be at the food court shoveling an entire Pecanbon in your fat face and at the table next to you are four teens. They're wearing their Justin Bieber inspired diaper-jeans, tight plaid shirts, and prescription-free Urkel glasses and guess what they’re all doing? Staring down at their giant ass phones. Don't even get me started on the size of those things, that’s a whole nother conversation. So these whiney pimply byitches are sitting across from one another and don't have a goddamn clue how to interact. I bet even your old ass can relate cuz everyone has at least one friend like that. That guy you go to the bar with and he spends most of the time texting or chatting on his phone with someone else. You just look at him like “Why the fuck am I here?” Maybe you’re that shitty ass friend. This is the sad state of our world.
I think bitches nowadays have it way too easy and take all that for granted. They don’t get or appreciate what it was like before we were so impersonally connected. Let me tell you how difficult it was back in the day to even get the right to interact. The goddamn stars had to be aligned perfectly:
1. If I had the urge to see a friend, I had to wait until I got home to do it so I could call him on the telephone. I said telephone, bitch. It’s like your stupid iphone, only it's connected to the wall, has a radius of 3 feet, and there was ONE of them for all FOUR of us. Mom, drive faster, dag homey.
2. Once I got home, I had to hope that I could even use the phone, cuz my selfish-ass parents were always on it. That’s what living with doctors was like. They always put the selfish needs of their patients ahead of me. So I would have to gently pick up the telephone and listen in on their dumbass conversations, hoping to finally get that 5 second break between their calls and dial fast as fuck.
3. Once I dialed, I now had to hope that my friend’s ass was home too, and that HIS dumbass parents weren't on the phone.
“Uhm, hello Mrs. so-and-so, is ____ available?”
“VAT??!!”
“Uhm. Your son. Is he available?”
“VAT??! WHO IS DIS??!”
Jesus. Fobby ass motherfuckers.
4. The worst part. When I finally got my friend on the phone, I would have to pray that my dumbassed parents didn’t pick up the phone and yell some embarrassing shit right into it with my friend on the other line. Which they always did without fail. FINE, Mom, I hear you. My friend doesn't need to know that you “made” a Totinos Party Pizza for dinner and that it’s on the table getting cold. But for real can you put out some chocolate milk and some crushed red pepper for me, you know I like it sweet and spicy.
This was everyday. So finally, we would make our plan. "OK, whachoo wanna do? I dunno. Play ball? Get some ice cream? Wateva man." Didn't matter. Then of course we would have to hope that our parents would even let us get together and that one of us had access to a motor vehicle. Otherwise we would tell each other when we were leaving the house and we walked the fuck out towards each other. Can your dumb ass even imagine that kind of trust nowadays? No cell phone, no ipad...disconnected. I’m walking out the door and hoping that this motherfucker will do as he says and meet me at the designated spot at the designated motherfuckin time. If he doesn’t, then I’m left with feelings of abandonment, eating a Reese Cup Sundae by myself while crying into it.
The point I’m trying to make is when we finally did see each other, we made the most of our time, knowing how difficult it was to even get to that point. We played sports, we laughed, we teased each other. We talked. I mean really talked. We talked about our lives, our feelings, our hopes and dreams, our aspirations, our crushes. Anything and everything. That’s what true friendship is. Trust me when you’re old and married and got a baby shatting all over your shitty apartment and you’re one diaper away from getting into your shitty green Civic and driving straight into the ocean, you're gonna wish you had that friend who knows everything about you so you can pick up the phone and call him. Friends like that are what keep us level and keep us grounded and keep us moving forward and no amount of texting is going to give you that same connection.
“Ring some doorbells, you fat lazy ho.”
You think you’ll be sitting around 10 years from now, sending your friend a message like “Remember that time I instagrammed that picture of my al pastor tacos” or “Remember that time we texted each other?” No. That's stupid. I’m talking about real shit. Go ding-dong-ditch someone, you fat bitch. Right now. You’re still sitting there. That’s how lazy you are. Get your ass on Amazon and order some fucking ambition and balls with overnight Prime shipping. We ding-dong-ditched neighbors every damn day. It was a right of passage for us. I did it a few weeks ago for nostalgia sake and it was as good as ever. Gettin my cardio in.
I still remember one time my friend and I ding-dong-ditched his crazy ass neighbor, and while we were hiding in the bushes across his lawn, this guy comes out with a flashlight and a gun. It might have just been a bottle of YooHoo or some shit but at the time we thought it was a gun. So here we are, holding our dicks and trying not to piss ourselves while this sociopath spends 45 minutes searching around his house. When he finally turned the corner, we took off like motherfucking Usain Bolt and Usain Bolt’s much less fast, lanky-ass, slightly-asthmatic cousin.
Those are the times you’re going to remember. Look, I get it. I’m not some old fogey who refuses to evolve, yelling at kids to get off his lawn. In fact, I love and appreciate technology, and if used properly, can vastly improve our lives. The access to mankind’s knowledge base alone makes it all worth it. The thing is, I also love and appreciate our history and where we came from and I genuinely worry about the precedent that we’re setting with these things, especially in the hands of people that don't have the mental-motherfucking-fortitude to know how to utilize these things to improve their life without sacrificing real-life experiences. If I’m in the minority and those fuktards are the majority, then we’re on the fast track to all becoming emotionless cyborgs.
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, MySpace (yea I said it)...these are all tools. And they can really be used to enhance your life or keep in contact with people that are hard to keep in contact with. But real friends...people who you can talk to or see with just a little bit of work and little bit of effort...you have to make that effort. So pick up the phone and make the call. Make some memories. Ring some goddamn doorbells and remember to wear running shoes.